Rainero Armanno's Journal

I am not sure where to start. Vivian's pregnancy continues without complication, and she seems to be happier and happier with the idea, though she is worried about her work. Since her boss used to see this Dantini fellow she is worried that they will ask questions she doesn't have an answer for. Maybe I should explain the situation to Ben, not all of it, but some of it, and see if he will agree to let her say that its his. Afterall, now that Dantini is in jail for suspected murder he is hardly someone who should be involved with Vivian's child! Vivian said that she was certain there was some kind of mistake, but when I was reading about it they had that feed about all the illegal guns he had stored away. I knew the man was creepy when he expected me to tell him details about Vivian't personal life, but I had no idea he was that kind of nut job.

The other night I went to Vivian's for supper, and it came to talking about us. Well, alright, so there wasn't a whole lot of talking, not right then anyway. She led me back into her bed, and seems to have every intention of keeping me there, at least for the time being. She asked me if it was wrong for her to want me, I told her that I can't see it as wrong, that its only the idea that our bodies are related that makes it seem awkward to everyone, and that these days you can change your body so drastically and so quickly that I don't think it matters. I certainly can't think of how I feel for her as wrong. I am done with that. God I love her. I have never been so happy and so nervous. I wondered if it was another one time thing, if she would be regretful, but the next day it was the same. She seems to be less and less guilty about it. I haven't had this kind of sex drive in years.

This morning I sent her flowers and a gift certificate for an afternoon at a spa. I hope that she likes the flowers. I know she will like the spa, shes gone before and raved about the place.

I have made some progress with the case I've been working on, which pleases me. I sent some specs over to Maria as well, I thought that she might have some insights. I know that the last thing she needs is more work while shes adjusting, but she did seem interested.

I am burning with curiosity about Ben's new love interest. Normally he is almost a braggart about his men, gushing like a teenage girl about ever new affair. Its so unusual for him to behave so guardedly about it. He has promised to tell me all about it soon, but still. I almost told him about Quaquin. I started too actually, but he changed the subject.

It feels like I have too much under wraps.. I suppose though, that all the thing with Quaquin really was just a demanding private job. I guess that whats really bothering me is Vivian... I am not sure how I should take her bahavior. She spends more and more time with me, which I am thrilled with, and she is very affectionate, but I am worried for her. I know that the truth, and all I have to tell people, is that shes pregnant, but the father is not going to be involved so I'm stepping in. It still feels somehow like there is more. She acts, and I guess that part of me feels, like we're having a baby together rather then her having a baby. Like this is somehow more then what it is. I love that she wants me to be involved. I love that I can be there for her, and that she needs me, wants me to be the one who is there. I am just so afraid. The more I gain the more there is for me to lose. I want for her to be happy, and cared for. I love her so much. She says that she still hasn't told her work, though she plans to do it soon enough. She seems nervous that it will get back to this fellow through work. I have assured her that if need be, I can falsify a paternity test. Not that I would want to... but I would do it if I had to. Besides, even if he asks, all she as to do is say that its not his. I destroyed the original paternity test, just in case. She asked me to... almost like she didn't want to be reminded... I wonder how she feels. I wonder how she sees me now.

Dr.Lynch extended my contract. After the review I was reasonably certain that he would. He says that hes very pleased with my work still, and he is glad that I don't seem as tired... though he did mention that I was still lookng a little stressed, and reminded me again that if I didn't take the rest of my vacation time that it would be wasted for this calender year. I asked him how many days he has taken this year and he just chuckled and said that if I promise to book mine, he will book the rest of his. I think I may take Vivian to a spa of somekind.

The waiting is over, I suppose. I have done the required tests for Vivian, and we have found that I am not the father of her baby. I should be glad, but I am not. I just can't make myself happy that she will be bearing the child of a man who is practically a stranger to her. Much to my surprise, she seemed very disappointed as well. She is very vehement that she wants him to have nothing to do with it. She asked if there could be enough alteration done to the fetus for it to be as though I was the father, or at least that seemed to be what she was asking. This whole thing is so hard, so hurtful. If things were just a little different this would be the best thing to happen in my life. Vivian is so upset about it sometimes. I have tried to make things easy for her, and I think that she is feeling better. Now that this issue is dealt with and she knows that she doesn't have to involve this fellow she is doing better. She is excited about the prospect of shopping and planning. She insists on calling me daddy at times. I am not sure how I feel about that. I am so glad that she wants me to be a part of this, but I am not sure how I should take it all. She has made noises about her place being too small for her and a baby, and I agree. My own place is also lacking the space... I could easily afford something large enough for all of us, but I don't want her to feel trapped by me. I also don't want to end up paying for her apartment as well as my own, and really it wouldn't afford her anymore freedom then living with me, if she were that dependant on me. Sometimes a part of me worries that she is only afraid that if she doesn't include me in this that I wouldn't look after her, but she has said that she knows that I always would, and I have told her as much. I don't know if it is the pregnancy, or just her becoming more comfortable again with me since we slept together, but she has grown more affectionate again as well. I love her so much. I insist to myself that I will not get my hopes up, that I will let my night with her go, but then she looks at me with that huge smile on her face, and tells me what a good father I will be and hope springs anew. I can't help it.

I feel like I am close to a breakthrough with this new case. Like the information I need to make this work is just within my grasp. If I can overcome the innertia factor in this... lets just say that it will not be bad for my career. I talked about it with Ben a little bit, to bounce ideas off of him. He seemed dubious that it could be done. As for me, I think that if it can, I am the man to do it. I told Ben as much, and he just looked at me, and shook his head. I asked him what was so strange about that, and he flat out told me that I was an arrogant bastard, and that I was lucky that I could back it up. He told me that he's heard my name more lately, it would seem that I am earning a reputation in my own right, and not simply as a part of the centre. He seemed not jealous, but wistful.

Ah, Vivian has fibbed me, she wants me to go with her to look at nursery sets. This is the last day I took off this week, so I should go. I still have all that vacation time, and not much time left to use it in.. I am always so reluctant to go during a case, and there is always a case. Goodwin reminded me about it though, when I went to see him about taking some genetics classes on the side. I wanted to know if he could recommend a course or two that would better compliment my current specialties. While we're out I'll see if she wants to come to this months ball as well, it would seem that they have decided to make this fundraiser for those affected by the Sunder a monthly affair until things are more sorted out. She seemed to like the last one, so maybe she will go.

Vivian is pregnant. It is almost unbelievable. My first thought was to be angry that she didn't tell me she was off the shot, but I suppose that she didn't really know at the time, there was so much going on.. still, how do you forget something like that? She says that its either mine, or some fellow who she hardly knows... either way there could be complications. No matter what she decides to do. I am going to do the paternity test as soon as its safe for the baby. That will give her some time to think about what she wants to do. I don't know what I want her to do... some part of me hopes that its mine. I know thats not really fair. I just can't make myself hope that shes carrying the baby of some man who she hardly knows. Besides, if its mine, I know that I will respect her wishes, that I can support her and be there for her through this, who knows what this other fellow's reaction would be. I suppose that we'll just have to take this one step at a time. I can't stop crying now that I am home again, I guess that I don't really know what to think about it all. This is like being slapped in the face by life. In other circumstances I would be so glad... a part of me mourns that since I am her brother its like I'm being cheated somehow. If I wasn't her brother things might be so different. I understand where her embarassment comes from, I just wish that she wasn't so ashamed.. I mean, I know that its normal for her to be ashamed. It just hurts anyway. I don't want her to know that... she has enough to deal with. God I love her. I wish I could fix this for her. At least I'm in a position to do something.

Current Mood: morose

It would seem that word has spread about the surgery I did with Dr. Taylor. I had a visit from the Govener's body guard. Quite a large fellow, he was looking to have some unusual optical work done. I am not sure if what he wants is really doable. My main concern is actually with how he will cope with the vision, how it will effect depth perception, if it can be done without causing disorientation or dizziness. I am eager to see at any rate, what I can do for him.

I received a fib from a doctor that Dr. Lynch has offered a position to. Ben had also mentioned her work to me, I am rather excited to meet her. She fibbed me recently about a meeting. I don't think that she has decided to accept the position or not. It will be nice to have a fresh face around, and a new voice to confer with. I hear that she is a rather brilliant cybernetics specialist.

Jade and Agate escaped thier cage last night, when I awoke this morning they were no where to be found. I looked everywhere, I was in a panic. Imagine my amusement when I found them curled up asleep in their bonding pouch. I was worried that they had injured themselves. I had taken them back to the vets last month, and the good doctor there told me that the tests indicated that Jade has a small cyst in her uterus that might be what is causing problems with breeding. I am looking into having it removed, but I am not certain it would be worth the risks.

Vivian said that she has a surprise for me, and that she would stop by on Wednesday with it. I am to come straight home from work, and I am not to eat on the way home. I imagine that she plans to make dinner. I must admit that I am kind of excited.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: some romance vid in the background.

Well, I spoke with Vivian. I was relived to find that though that Dantini fellow wasn't her boyfriend, that she did know him, so it wasn't so strange. I was a little hurt to find that she had seen someone without mentioning it to me, but there is no need for her too mention every man she dates. I have no claim on her. I had hoped that prehaps she would.. I don't know. I didn't really expect her to want me, I didn't really expect that she would discover that I was what she has been looking for all this time, but it seems that I had allowed myself to hope a bit, for I am disappointed. She seems so conflicted, and I feel guilty. Its strange, I didn't realise that I really didn't feel guilty any longer for how I felt towards her until she mentioned it. I wasn't able to communicate my reasons very well with her. I suppose that it comes down to this. In this day and age our bodies are very temporary. I am in the business of remaking men and women. In the course of a week or two you can physically, genetically, become someone else completely. What matters then is the soul, the spirit. If my spirit was in another vessel, then there would be no shame in my love for Vivian. Since physical restraints are so easily thrown off.. why should the fact that her spirit is in a body that happened to be born of the same parents as mine was make it wrong? It seems like an archaic idea.

She seems to be appealing to me to find another woman to love... she even mentioned Charlene, who dispite her best efforts I can tell she disliked. I don't know how I can explain to her that I have tried. That I spent most of my life looking for someone who might measure up to her. I don't want to do that now. Maybe someday I would want to do that, maybe someday I will want to find a close second, but for now its enough for me to feel free of the guilt. I guess that a part of me wants to wait and see.. prehaps some masochistic part of me still holds out hope that she will change her mind. That she will decide that I can be what she needs in a partner as well as a brother.

I am wondering if I should let her know.. if I should better explain to her my sudden lack of remorse. Now the only thing I regret is that she might be uncomfortable with it, that she might change how she behaves with me now. I know that when she asked I was a little inarticulate. I wonder if I should explain it to her, or if it would seem like I am pushing her. I don't want to do that. I want her to understand that its what she wants thats important, that its always her call. I don't want her to feel presured.

Current Mood: lonely

I just received a very strange fib, from a man who claims to be Vivian's new boyfriend. Vivian hasn't mentioned this Dantini fellow to me at all, I had no idea what to think. It was a very strange, and kind of worrisome little thing. He mentioned that Vivian has seemed upset lately, but was reluctant to talk with him. He seemed to think that I would be willing to just blurt out private information about her to him! Just out of the blue talk to some stranger about Vivian's personal life, and whats more disturbing, about her private thoughts or feelings! What nerve! If he is in a relationship with Vivian, he should respect her wishes, not go about digging for information that she chooses not to share. I am concerned that he may be some kind of stalker. I will mention it to her for certain, so that she will at least be aware.

I will admit that a part of me was very bothered to hear that she may be seeing someone... and yet not in the same way as it used to. I suppose that part of it is that I don't really expect her to be satisfied with me. I know that its too much to ask that she feels the same for me as I do for her.. but now I know that I won't lose her over this thing. If she can stand by me through this. If she can still love me, then she will stand by me when she has someone else by her side. I guess that all I can do is try to be as much as I can for her, to do as much as I can. I want her to be happy so badly. I wish that it could be me who makes her happy. I wish that I could be everything that she needs. If I can't though, I can deal with that I think. So long as I can be there for her. So long as she wants me in her life. I just feel so much better now that it doesn't feel like I'm lying to her. I was worried too, that she would avoid me, that she would change her mind and be disgusted with me.. but she hasn't. She is still just Vivian. She does seem a little quiet, but she also seems more affectionate sometimes. I have not asked her back into my bed. I am afraid to. I do not want her to feel like she is obligated. I want to leave things in her hands. What is most important is that she is happy.

She has tomorrow evening off at work, and wanted to do something. I bought tickets to a benefit ball type thing for the later evening. I know that she sometimes likes to dress up and go out, and that there hasn't been much occasion lately. I told her that what I had planned was a surprise, but that it was formal. She seemed very excited, and said that she would go and pick out a new dress, and that I should not wear my same old suit. I told her that if she could pick something out for both of us and I would pay for it. I hope that she chooses something comfortable for me. I glad that she seems so pleased about it.

I've been working on some new recipes, kind of experimentally. I am not sure that they will turn out. One is trying to duplicate a soft mead that we had at one of the last brewery meetings, and the other is just me playing around. I am eager to see how they turn out, but it will be quite some time before they are done.

Quaquin
Well that was interesting. I was summoned into the secret halls of the cockless wonder once again, and much to my surprise I was greated by a man who claims to be Brady, rather then Quaquin. He says that its hard to adjust to being Quaquin, and that the lack of his equipment makes it almost to much to bear. He seemed worried, but also actually frightened. I am not sure if it was actually the double or if it was some kind of messed up test of some kind. At any rate it doesn't really matter. I mentioned that if it was Brady, that he was in a good position to do something if things got out of hand. I suppose that that is something that might get me into trouble, but I think I was careful to word it... well? I am concerned about the state of things. If Quaquin has no superiors here that could be dangerous, especially since he seems to have gone completely over the edge. I hope that Brady has the good sense to put a stop to things if they get too bad. Not that I really trust either of them. I suppose that its not really my problem.

I talked to Ben the other night. It seems that he has parted ways with yet another lover. He says that he hasn't been talking with Charlene that recently, but that the last time they spoke she was doing well. She was still a bit upset with me, and really who could blame her? I was a jerk. I was hoping that we could be friends, but maybe that just wasn't meant to be either. I've started to send some of my cases to Ben, mostly the genital mods. I am a little surprised at how insistant some have been not to be transfered, even though Ben's prices are a little better, his work is about as good, and there is a shorter wait for his services, or at least there was. I mean really, does it matter exactly who gives you a vibrating cock? Most of the patients were more then willing though. Ben says that its going well for him, but that hes a little jealous of some of the procedures I've been doing instead.

I saw Liona run into her office the other day, it looked like she was crying. I wonder if Dr. Lynch has indeed decided to let her go? I am terribly curious about who he might have in mind to replace her. I do feel a little badly for her. If she could just relax about things she would be such a great doctor. As it stands, shes just to set in her beliefs.

I sent Vivian some flowers today, just a simple little grouping. I had them delivered at work, though I didn't put my name to them, just signed them R. I hope she likes them. I have sent her little pick me ups out of the blue before so I didn't think that it would be out of place, though I find myself second guessing now what is appropriate.

Current Mood: busy

I keep having these pseudo nightmares about the torus explosion. About all those people. In them I’m always working, just sewing people together, some of them are missing parts all together. My equipment is running out, and the people keep coming and coming, being carried in. Some of them almost unrecognizable. I am still so angry! I still feel sick when I think that someone would purposefully do that to other human beings. Its funny, this being disconnected from earth doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. It hasn’t effected me as much as it has say, Vivian. It’s the sheer violence of it that bothers me. The waste. Maybe I have to much faith. Its just that I know that they will eventually get everything back and running again. They will reconnect us eventually.

I am almost excited at the thought of Quaquin contacting me again. As far as I can tell we’re mostly finished with Q2. My heart leaps for joy at the thought of telling him to go to hell. He is such an unbalanced man, and it makes no sense… all he ever had to do was ask. By this blackmail business all he did was ensure that I didn’t actually want to help him if I didn’t have to. At least he paid me I suppose. Between that and the centre, I’m not really sure what to do with it. I’ve secured the savings I would need if I ever decided to open my own practice. Maybe I will go shopping with Vivian. She is always complaining that I don’t change my wardrobe enough, that I should wear more real fabrics since I can afford them. Besides, it would be fun to see her go and shop for herself some too.

I have a dinner date with Dr. Avercamp this week. That should prove to be nice. He is a very pleasant and well spoken fellow, though he seems to be very reserved. I am pleased that he would like to continue a friendship, I had some concerns that he would be put off by my young age. I am intrigued by his studies, I think that it would be very interesting to be so familiar with another culture. I have been reading up on some of the older medical practices of the Auia tribes, and its quite interesting. I wonder if Jules will accompany us. That would be nice, though I got the impression that Dr. Avercamp was not very pleased with my bringing him up last time. At any rate, it will be something to look forward to.

I don't know how to feel. I never thought that I would lose control around Vivian. I thought that I had everything under control. That’s not the only thing that I was wrong about it seems. I still can't believe that she knew, all this time, how I felt. I suppose that I should have known she would know me better then that, that she would see through me. I am relieved, I am elated that she somehow doesn't hate me, that she didn't just abandon me in disgust. I feel like I should wake up any moment now. I can't believe that she would still love me... that she would want me. I felt so guilty, so awful at first, and then so awkward, like I'd never been with a woman before, but then when all the clothes were gone, and the rest of the world was shut out, it was just.. just she and I. It didn't seem like it was wrong. It didn't seem wrong at all. I don't know if I have ever felt this way before. She dozed off, and I just watched her sleep. I can't fathom how I could deserve this. How I could deserve her. Not only that she could forgive me, not only that she would not be disgusted by me, but that she would want me. I never, never once in all these years thought that I would actually know what it was like to hold her like that. I never thought that I would actually ever feel her move over me like that, that I would ever touch her like a lover. I don’t know where we go from here, I don’t know what to expect… part of me hopes that she meant it, that she loves me as more then just her brother, that she would want to be with me, but I don’t dare hope for it. I don’t dare ask that of her. A part of me wonders, dares to wonder, if maybe there is something in that she has dated Italian men whenever possible. I wonder if she will ever realize just how much she means to me. I wonder if she really has any idea what I would do for her. As more time goes on, the more relieved I feel not to have to feel like I am lying to her all the time. Not to have this awful secret hanging over me. I am afraid now only that I will wake up, or that she will. I am so undeserving. This is the happiest I have ever been. I don't care anymore if it is wrong of me to feel this way, if it is monsterous. All that matters is that she loves me anyway, even if only as her brother. That is more then I ever hoped for, it is more then enough.

My god. I should be sleeping. I just.. can't. All those people hurt, all that bloodshed. And we're cut off from home. I suppose that this is home, but it still feels frightening, to be disconected like that. I just can't believe it, the torus gone. Who in their right minds would do such a thing? At one time I could have believed that Aegis would catch them, that they would protect Perseity, but now I don't even have that comfort. Hell, for all I know the cockless wonder has finally gone all the way off the edge, and thought the torus was a security leak. Its been so long since I've done any real medicine, though I have kept up with my studies. I'm just glad that I wasn't so out of practice that I couldn't help those people. I've lost track of how many bodies I stitched today, but I think that they will all make it. Some of them I will look in on in the morning, and some of them the aides can take care of. Who would do this? Who? What kind of porca puttana would do such a thing to peoples lives? It makes me so furious! To think that people feel that their own political views are worth people's lives! Are worth all this panic and suffering. It makes me sick to my stomach. I am so tired that I am not even making any sense... I have to reach Viv too. I was so caught up in the surgeries that I didn't get a chance. I hope that she is alright, I hear that some places had some troubles with panic and so on. This is just so.. so inconcievable.

I am at a complete loss... Charlene and I have had a falling out. The more I think about it, the more I realise how I may have over reacted. I can think of a time when this sort of thing would hardly have phased me. So what if her religious practice involves sex... if they are careful. I was so angry that she hadn't told me! I lost my temper, and said some awful things. I highly doubt now that she will want to speak with me again. I don't know whats wrong with me! I am finding it harder and harder to cope. I can't even begin to deal with this Aegis issue. God Damn Quaquin Elmore! He has no right to pry into my life! I would have helped him if only because I was under the misconception that Aegis was out to protect us from people like him. There was no need for this! Between taking care of those surgeries for him, and the work at the centre, and this issue with Charlene I'm at my wits end. I think.. I think what might be best for me to do is talk to Vivian. A little. Even if this whole sordid thing comes out shes really the only one who I'm worried about. Shes the only person I can really depend on. Maybe I will have to tell her. I know that it won't make her anymore understanding, or less disgusted, but at least I wouldn't feel so bad about it all the time. Like not only am I doing something wrong, but I'm lying to her about it as well. I at least need to get some of this stuff off my chest.

I'm worried as well about what effect this will have on Jade and Agate, I'm not able to spend nearly as much time with them. I don't even really know what I'm so worked up about... what is he going to do? Run to the news vids? Tell Dr. Lynch, or Vivian... who would believe him any way? I'm a gifted enough surgeon that I can handle a little scandal, especially something that can't *really* be proven. Sure, maybe he has a copy of what was on my fib, but thats not really proof. Maybe I'm just being niave again. Maybe I'm just letting him fool me. I wish there was someone I could talk to about it.

I wish I knew what to do.

I've been spending more time with Vivian lately, I think that she is lonely now that she is no longer seeing Baljinder. Shes been oddly... affectionate lately. She actually kissed me the other day, on the mouth I mean. It was unnerving to say the least. It was very strange, if I didn't know better I would say it was... unsisterly. Maybe its just a combination of being lonesome and being jealous of Charlene and I, its been some time since I had an ongoing relationship. It could be that she is afraid that I will abandon her. Charlene has been busy lately with work, but she says that she will soon have some more time.

I am very curious about who Goodwin might have in mind for Liona's position. I sincerely doubt that she will be staying on with us. I know that he has been unhappy with her performance long enough that he must have been keeping an eye out for a replacement, but he hasn't mentioned anyone yet.

I had lunch with Ben, it was nice to catch up. It would seem that he is seeing a new gentleman friend who he is quite enraptured with. So much so that for the moment he is the only gentleman friend he is seeing. Thats a rare thing indeed for Ben. He met him on the plex, of course. He says his practice is doing well, which I am glad to hear. He always seems to have a lot of patients though, so its not a surprise.

At long last Vivian is out of LittleJohn's! I couldn't be happier for her. She is starting at Reflections in June. Its a lovely place, quite classy. I'm sure that she will do well. It does mean postponing the trip to see father and mother though. Father will be disappointed, but I'm sure that they would rather we wait until we could both come at the same time. Viv also mentioned that she and Baljinder were no longer seeing each other. She was right, I was happy to hear that he was no longer in her life, but I never like to see her unhappy. If only there was some way I could make her happy enough that she didn't need to go off looking for whatever is missing in her life in these losers!

Word seems to be getting out about Dr. Taylor's surgery. I've been getting more serious cases, and I'm glad. Its more interesting work, more rewarding, and really its better for my career and the centre. I was relieved that Goodwin says he will deal with the Liona situation. I feel badly for her, she really is a very good geneticist, she is just so... gruff. She won't have a hard time finding another position on Perseity, and she is unhappy here. I can't understand her reluctance to leave the centre for somewhere she would have more control over the procedures she does. Goodwin is right, it could be seen as a step down, but I didn't think that would be the kind of thing that would bother Liona. I was a little concerned, my own review usually comes out the same time as hers, and there was no sign about it. I know that I've been doing well, but its always a little nerve wracking. Considering that this is the last review before my contract is up I'm especially nervous. Hopefully I will get it sometime next week, and this waiting will be over.

Vivian does not like Charlene. I can tell. Its strange though, normally she just comes right out and says it, but this time she is being quiet about it. She says nice like it means puttana, but she still says nice. Charlene has little to say about Vivian either. I think that Vivian might be right. Prehaps I should try harder to find out about her more. Maybe the next time we go out, we should stay in. Prehaps that would be better for talking. Sure, we talk all the time, but its about vids or restaurants, or our jobs, or mods, or animals... it never seems to be about each other.

I think I am falling into a rut. At the clinic its back to the same old thing, mostly cometic mods, mostly dealing with sexuality. At home I see Charlene fairly frequently, but she seems mostly interested in talking about work, which right now is kind of depressing. I gave a man sight! "God" didn't see fit to make a man see, so he came to me. Maybe its not perfect sight, but its sight! One week I'm healing a blind man and the next week its back to remote control cocks, pump action vaginas, and extra nipples. Its ridiculous!

Liona came into my office recently, which was a surprise, she is normally quite gruff and keeps to herself. It would seem that Goodwin lit into her quite harshly on her performance review. Its a shame, she really is a very good doctor, she just doesn't have any bedside manner. She tried to get me to talk with Goodwin for her, I'll metion to him that she seemed to be sincere about working on it. I didn't mention to her that there was almost no hope in having her contract renewed. He's been making noises about getting rid of her for ages. On one hand its a shame, she really is good at what she does, but on the other hand, she has lost the centre business. If she was in a private practice she could be pickier about her patients, but as it stands its a part of her job to play nice with everyone who comes in. I really disliked being dishonest with her, but I couldn't very well tell her that Goodwin discusses that kind of thing with me on occasion. My own review is up very soon, I wonder how it will go...

Vivian remains somewhat distant, though I still see her fairly frequently. She doesn't mention Baljinder at all these days, but she isn't as chatty as she used to be either. She is putting off giving me an answer about going to earth as well, even though she claimed that LittleJohn had given her the time. I'm concerned about her, but I don't want to bother her about it, I've been trying not to be involved in her life as I had been. I think that it is better for her that way, and it seems to be what she wants. I had hoped that things with Charlene would change how I see Vivian, but they haven't. I have this niggling feeling all the time that I'm being dishonest somehow to both of them. I become more and more aware of how Charlene often seems kind of... lacking in comparison sometimes. I don't know. At first I was glad that she takes such an interest in my work, but lately that seems like all she wants to discus is my work and her own. Sometimes I can't beleive how flaky she can get about her animals.

I took Jade and Agate into a veterinary clinic specialising in small animals. The woman who saw them said that they were in good health, and gave me some tips for encouraging mating. She was very nice, and asked me to bring them back again in a few months if I was still concerned.

Current Mood: gloomy

Things with charlene and Vivian seemed to go well, though Vivian was very distant. Charlene was very nervous, which was cute. Sometimes they seem alike to me, though Charlene is definately more interested in my work. Things seemed kind of strained at times, but it could have gone worse. I remember when I first came to Perseity I started seeing this girl named Alice, Vivian was so mean to her she left the restaurant. To be fair to Vivian Alice was kind of a bitch.

Vivian had me really concerned, its been a long time since I had to coax anything out of her. I thought that maybe she was afraid that I wouldn't have time for her now that I was seeing Charlene, or that she was angry with me for something. I am releived to find that its not my fault at all, and completely unsurprised to find that its Baljinder's fault. I hate that man so much! I wish there was some way for Vivian to realise what a lump of smegma he is without being hurt. I wish there was some way that I could make her happy.

I have sent a written fib to dad to make sure that it would be alright for Vivian and I to come and see them sometime soon. I am glad to hear that Vivian was able to get some time from LittleJohn. I wish she would get out of there. I will see if Charlene would look after Jade and Agate while I'm gone. I don't think she will mind, and it would be easier then finding somewhere to board them. I got another little fib from the office of Dr. Gravely, once again reminding me that I had not yet booked another appointment. I gather from that that I wasn't clear enough in my first response. I replied and told them that I would definately no longer be needing her services thank you very much. Its really the same thing as magic really, no one really knows for sure what they're doing, its all trial and error and a matter of belief.

I am surprised with how well things are going with Charlene, I took her to a vid last night and once again things were far from awkward. I finally gave Vivian a fib as well and asked her if she would like to come and meet Charlene. Its funny, I feel kind of reluctant to talk about Charlene with Vivian. Vivian seemed kind of strange about the whole thing, though maybe she was just surprised, it has been a long time since I have had any kind of real girlfriend. She didn't mention Baljinder though, which is a plus. Maybe he has started to reveal himself as the low life he is to her. I can only hope that she comes to her senses soon.

I got a fib this week from Dr. Gravely's office. They were reminding me that I have yet to book a follow up appointment. I sent them a reply saying that I do not feel that I am in need of their services any longer. I never really put much stock in that sort of thing anyway, but it was worth a try. To be honest I am disappointed, I was hoping that it would be helpful. I am a little worried about how things with Charlene are going to go. I find myself thinking of Vivian a lot when I am with her, and I still have these strange bouts of guilt. I feel somehow like I am being dishonest with her, or worse yet, with Viv.

The surgery with Dr.Avercamp went reasonably well, though I am disappointed to note that he is suffering from some vocal distortion. I have contacted some other doctor's who have performed the surgery to see if they can recommend any voice exercises that might help to limit this. There is always the chance that it will fade in time. I have taken his advice and started trying to read up on traditional Auia medicine by group rather then on a whole, and it is more informative. I wish I had some more time for that, and for brewing. I have put in for some leave time after the surgery with Dr. Taylor. Dr. Lynch seemed surprised, I take vacation time so infrequently I think he forgot that I had the option.

I almost feel as though I am in a state of shock. I had a lovely date with Charlene last night, and she invited me back to the house to meet some folks. As I half expected she was talking about her Tsisas. They are really quite cute little animals. I'm glad that they took a shine to me, she seems to have some strange idea about people they don't like. She told me that if they hadn't liked me I would have been out the door, and I am not convinced that she was joking. I really enjoy my time with her, she doesn't seem to mind that I get so wrapped up about my work, which is rare. Its nice to have someone to talk to that seems to think my work is as exciting as I do. Much to my surprise I also ended up sleeping with her. I wasn't expecting it, and I must say that I am not certain that I was prepared, but I didn't want to let her down. I know that I have some different views about sex then most people, and I really like her. It really has been a long time, I hope that she was not disappointed with me. I must say that I am glad that I did, though I have some feelings of guilt today. I find myself avoiding talking to Vivian, as though I have done something wrong, though I haven't. It feels as though I've somehow wronged her. Maybe I am just worried about how she and Charlene will get along. She doesn't usually care for the girls I date anymore then I care for her own companions. I think that I will call Vivian later on today and see if she might like to come out with Charlene and I sometime soon. I will have to check with Charlene as well of course. I wonder if I can convince Viv to leave the monkey man at home for this, it will be awkward enough without trying to be nice enough to him to satisfy her.

I didn't have any surgeries planned for today so I decided to work from home. I think I'm really making headway in my research for Dr. Taylor's surgery. I am really pleased that Dr. Lynch las left it in my hands. It really shows his confidence in me. I must admit that I am actually getting a little nervous about it. I think that when it is done with I will take some leave, I still have a lot saved up. It might be good for me. Besides, I should see about visiting mom and dad soon, he says that she is really starting to get worse. Maybe Viv and I should go soon just in case. I'm sure that dad could use a bit of a break as well, he has been sounding worn down. I tried to put Jade and Agate in the bonding pouch today but they were uncharacteristically restless. I have made an appointment for this Tuesday with a veterinarian for them. I am hoping that this is all a good sign, but its hard to tell with my limited knowledge.

I have been thinking. Lately everyone I meet tells me that I am strange, or different at least from what they expected me to be. At first I thought it was just Ben, trying to put a good word out for me and going over board, but now I am not so sure. I don't feel as though I am any different from most people. Maybe its not such a bad thing though.

Current Mood: curious

Much to my delight I have gotten a fib from Charlene. I had not realised that it had been so long, with all the work I've been doing lately, and dealing with this whole Baljinder thing. It will be nice to get out and get my mind off of things.

I am worried that my preoccupation has started to effect Jade and Agate. I have not been spending the kind of time that I should with them lately, and I suspect its affecting them somewhat. Once they bond with you they see you as a member of their family grouping. They've been off their food lately, and that could be why. I will have to start wearing the bonding pouch again while I do my research, that will help. Then again, it could be that they are finally in season and I'm worried for nothing. I will take them to the vet soon, I'll make a note on my calender for it.

I caught a vid with Vivian the other night. It was nice, it was almost like old times. She seems happy, but distracted. It was awkward after that fiasco with Dr. Gravely. I almost expected it to be a portent. I was glad that it wasn't. She is still dragging her heels over leaving LittleJohn's, which I supose is better then going to work for Baljinder's employer. LittleJohn may be a criminal but at least its a criminal we know. She was talking about a girl at work who went to become a fashion consultant. She sounded a little wistful. I told her again that if she wants to go to school that I would back her. I had been saving for my own practice, but there are so many reasons that that can wait. For example the Deforrest and Avercamp surgeries coming up would never go to a small practice. I would rather see Vivian make something for herself. She said that she would think about it, which is more then I usually get. Maybe I have Baljinder to thank for that, though I doubt it.

I wonder if I should take Charlene some flowers...

That is the last time I go into that quack's office! That woman is a disgrace! With no warning at all about what exactly she was going to do she thrust me into a vr chamber to "interact" with Vivian. That is fine, what is not fine is that she expects that my reactions with her while she pretends to be Vivian are in any way reflective of how I actually behave with Vivian. It was the most awkward thing I have ever done! If she had a brain in her head she would wait intil I was comfortable with dealing with fake Vivian as Vivian before she threw that temper tantrum shit in there. The woman is so stupid that she didn't even clue in that its her that makes me so upset. It might have been different if she had of taken the time to discuss it with me afterwards, but as it is all it served was to get me worked up and angry before I went on with my day. I can fight with Vivian on my own time, I don't need that ugly farce of a doctor for that! Prehaps it would just be best if I just told her and was done with it, I could start over somewhere apart from her. I don't like this feeling like I'm being dishonest with her. I will have to wait until the neanderthal is out of the way first, he's just the kind of man who would use any emotional turmoil in her life to worm his way further into her existance. I need to get my mind of of this, I am afraid that it will start to reflect in my work if I can't get myself to relax. With two unfamilliar surgeries coming up I can't afford to let anything get in the way of work. Especially this surgery with Dr. Deforrest, this could mean a lot for me and the centre in general, its a lot of pressure. I wonder if Charlene would like to go to see a Vid with me soon, it would be nice to see her again.

Current Mood: annoyed

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